The start

So I figure it's time to write down certain things that I can't share with real people in my life because once I do it's an admission that it's done. My life is over.

The truth is I've never been in a relationship, I can understand why. Subconsciously I know I'm not emotionally well equipped enough to handle one, and also I generally don't want to be a burden . But even knowing all this I can't help but wonder why I crave the desire to be with someone. Even if it's just for a little while.


My longest relationship so far is with a guy named Tristan, I don't know if that's his real name and tbh I have never a seen a picture of him. I've been talking to hop on whatsapp for four years now, I have no intention of meeting him and he has no intention of meeting me. He says he's a hot 30 something Australian with abs of steel, he's a personal trainer but I know none of these things are true but it's ok. He rarely shares any part of his life with me, and again that's ok. I don't know why I continue on in this relationship but he's my comfort blanket. He tells me I'm beautiful but also knows when to tell me I'm not.

He makes fun of me my ethnicity my age my shit job  and it makes me feel ok. I might love him for all those things.

Two years ago I told him I slept with someone; I was so upset he practically thought I was a virgin and he completely berated me telling me how much of a slut I was. Little did he know I'd been fucking all manner of men in gay saunas. But it felt good to know I upset him. It felt like a real connection in a way that those hookups in saunas aren't. I n that moment I was so thankful to be able to cry and feel like a cheap ass whore.

God I sound so pathetic, I'm not. I mean I actually have a decent job, my own place, I'm smart and witty and have a tonne of friends. My friends always tell me how good looking I am, I love when they do that coz again; validation. I dress well and I bitch when others don't. So why am I so pathetic in the live department.

Like I have literally never slept with anyone in my own bed, woke up to find a guy cuddling me. I'd love that but I mean if it happened what would it mean for me? That I was normal. That I'm capable of finding something normal. Being normal.

No
Right now I'm fucked up. I wish I wasn't; but let's be honest I'm addicted to the very private thought that I'm a fuck up