learning to love yourself is the hardest thing ill ever do. that and figure out how to spell and write i guess.
i want to believe that everyone in the world loves themselves and that they fond love because they got to a place where they felt able to love others because they had enough to fill themselves up to the max line and so had enough left over to give. but i don't think that thats the case.
i wonder where this self loathing came from?
am i even ready to analyse myself to figure this out.
i don't think so. if i start figuring out my self loathing then i have to admit that im ready for a change. thats pretty fucking scary; knowing i cant be comforted by the dull constant ache of isolation.
Wednesday, 10 June 2015
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
The start
So I figure it's time to write down certain things that I can't share with real people in my life because once I do it's an admission that it's done. My life is over.
The truth is I've never been in a relationship, I can understand why. Subconsciously I know I'm not emotionally well equipped enough to handle one, and also I generally don't want to be a burden . But even knowing all this I can't help but wonder why I crave the desire to be with someone. Even if it's just for a little while.
My longest relationship so far is with a guy named Tristan, I don't know if that's his real name and tbh I have never a seen a picture of him. I've been talking to hop on whatsapp for four years now, I have no intention of meeting him and he has no intention of meeting me. He says he's a hot 30 something Australian with abs of steel, he's a personal trainer but I know none of these things are true but it's ok. He rarely shares any part of his life with me, and again that's ok. I don't know why I continue on in this relationship but he's my comfort blanket. He tells me I'm beautiful but also knows when to tell me I'm not.
He makes fun of me my ethnicity my age my shit job and it makes me feel ok. I might love him for all those things.
Two years ago I told him I slept with someone; I was so upset he practically thought I was a virgin and he completely berated me telling me how much of a slut I was. Little did he know I'd been fucking all manner of men in gay saunas. But it felt good to know I upset him. It felt like a real connection in a way that those hookups in saunas aren't. I n that moment I was so thankful to be able to cry and feel like a cheap ass whore.
God I sound so pathetic, I'm not. I mean I actually have a decent job, my own place, I'm smart and witty and have a tonne of friends. My friends always tell me how good looking I am, I love when they do that coz again; validation. I dress well and I bitch when others don't. So why am I so pathetic in the live department.
Like I have literally never slept with anyone in my own bed, woke up to find a guy cuddling me. I'd love that but I mean if it happened what would it mean for me? That I was normal. That I'm capable of finding something normal. Being normal.
No
Right now I'm fucked up. I wish I wasn't; but let's be honest I'm addicted to the very private thought that I'm a fuck up
The truth is I've never been in a relationship, I can understand why. Subconsciously I know I'm not emotionally well equipped enough to handle one, and also I generally don't want to be a burden . But even knowing all this I can't help but wonder why I crave the desire to be with someone. Even if it's just for a little while.
My longest relationship so far is with a guy named Tristan, I don't know if that's his real name and tbh I have never a seen a picture of him. I've been talking to hop on whatsapp for four years now, I have no intention of meeting him and he has no intention of meeting me. He says he's a hot 30 something Australian with abs of steel, he's a personal trainer but I know none of these things are true but it's ok. He rarely shares any part of his life with me, and again that's ok. I don't know why I continue on in this relationship but he's my comfort blanket. He tells me I'm beautiful but also knows when to tell me I'm not.
He makes fun of me my ethnicity my age my shit job and it makes me feel ok. I might love him for all those things.
Two years ago I told him I slept with someone; I was so upset he practically thought I was a virgin and he completely berated me telling me how much of a slut I was. Little did he know I'd been fucking all manner of men in gay saunas. But it felt good to know I upset him. It felt like a real connection in a way that those hookups in saunas aren't. I n that moment I was so thankful to be able to cry and feel like a cheap ass whore.
God I sound so pathetic, I'm not. I mean I actually have a decent job, my own place, I'm smart and witty and have a tonne of friends. My friends always tell me how good looking I am, I love when they do that coz again; validation. I dress well and I bitch when others don't. So why am I so pathetic in the live department.
Like I have literally never slept with anyone in my own bed, woke up to find a guy cuddling me. I'd love that but I mean if it happened what would it mean for me? That I was normal. That I'm capable of finding something normal. Being normal.
No
Right now I'm fucked up. I wish I wasn't; but let's be honest I'm addicted to the very private thought that I'm a fuck up
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